As you may have noticed there isn't really that much thought behind the titles of my blog posts, but I like the randomness of it. I thoughtfully write my posts and sometimes a random phrase or set of words pass by, and I made it into a habit to make this the title. But with this post it is a little different, Bayo Bean Spread on toast, totally irrelevant in regard of the rest of he text, but very much the fuel on which it is written. Have you never heard of it? Never tried it? Then the right time has come. The taste is a little sharp, it's 100% vegan - it's somewhat the Mexican equivalent of hummus. Hummusss - and it surely is delicious! Anyway...

I'm currently staying with family in a small town with a name that translates to Eggmountains. When I had to go to college yesterday I walked trough the city centre and saw tiny local shops that did not spark my interest in any particular way. Today I had so much computer homework to do - something called 'updating social media' what a total drag - that after only 3 hours I was moving and twitching nervously and I knew I had to get out to stretch my legs. I walked as if I was hurrying to catch the bus, but was going in no particular direction. After half an hour the tea hit my bladder as if someone had punched my belly and I desperately took a turn and walked into the direction of my new 'home'.

Home is where the heart is - everyone knows the quote and I think everyone has at least quoted it once in his/her lifetime (this is probably my hundredth time heheh). But when I got inside and it was warm, I realised I had my heart kind of hidden away. It was Monday when I arrived here and ever since that moment I have been a little restless, even a little anxious. I don't know my uncle and his wife very well, but I like them, even though everyone considered them weird and pretentious. I'm weird too, and sometimes a little of a snob or a hipster or whatever, and considering recent personal developments I thought I knew myself a lot better and thus thought I could handle situations that previously made me uncomfortable pretty well by now - including spending a lot of time with strangers. But during the past two days I noticed a certain restlessness in my body. And as I'm writing this, I feel it. I'll try and see if I can put this feeling into words.



It's hard to find the words to describe what is happening, I cannot label it in a way that makes much sense, but I do realise that even though I know myself so much better because of my recent decisions in life (living in a tent woohoo and living a minimal lifestyle), I (still) do not feel comfortable being myself around other people. That there is still a distance between what I expect others want from me and the person I am. And now that I'm typing this I realise what I miss most about living in a tent - I had absolutely no one around me in a twenty meter radius. This space allowed me to move around, quite literally. I could do/wear/say/sing/think anything I wanted without bothering people with it and I could let out the things that needed to be let out. I allowed myself to smile at the tiniest things, laugh at the most miserable things and speak my mind freely. I was me, in the broadest/smallest/widest/longest sense possible. It felt as if I was free from my body, that I was my mind and my body was a vehicle to express it. It was, I now realise, the ultimate form of freedom. To be honest it felt empowering to be able to make my own decisions on my own terms.

But whenever I need to talk or sit with people I do not know so well, they might be the nicest people in the world, I find myself nodding and smiling, agreeing and accepting everything the other person finds normal, stuck behind the mask of social acceptance. Sometimes I slightly disagree, but that's it, no harsh words, while with friends or family I sometimes defend my thoughts, my ideals or speak my mind like a lawyer giving a speech. The discrepancy between these two me's scares me. Because I still believe life would be easier when I get to know myself better, because then anything unpredictable becomes predictable as I know how I will react and thus manage in any given situation - one way or another. Probably something about insecurity, but what isn't - the whole world is scared, society is built around anxiety.

The contrast couldn't be bigger when I went outside for a little walk, I immediately felt more at ease. I felt my mind relax, my body relax and started to think about things that matter instead of trivial things like 'Oh, did I say something wrong?' or, 'Oh no, what words should I use as a thank you - I don't know!?' - and all this in a squeaky voice. But once I got back inside I felt my body grow tense again. It is probably the unknown to which my mind reacts with an attitude part passive, part anxious. As much as I would like to be myself around strangers, my body grows almost numb and my mind starts to become restless and gets full with contradictory and anxious thoughts.

After all this analysing I realise that maybe this attitude is okay for now, maybe it will never go away, maybe it is better for it to stay. At least I'm not ever rude with this kind of overthinking attitude towards strangers and maybe that saves me so much more trouble at the end of the road then I'm currently aware of. But I also know, after a long dinner between the beginning and ending of this post that time will take away all barriers between strangers - the barrier around my heart, the closed door in my inner self. Spending time together, getting used to each other is a good remedy, and is such a natural process that I wonder how I could forget about it. I guess I learned the lesson that I should remember that whenever I do feel bad about myself it isn't necessarily a bad thing. Nobody is perfect and no one is able to make themselves into the ideal person they want to be - even though I might wish this is the case.